


and what the hell were we?

by melliesgrant



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: F/M, anyway jj loves kiara more than anything, do not support tho shes too good for rafe, hate rafe, ignore any possible errors k thx, one sided angst, this was inspo by the hc on stan twt that they might have had a thing before
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24034684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melliesgrant/pseuds/melliesgrant
Summary: jj's always watched kiara with someone else from afar, loving her and wishing it was him instead.
Relationships: JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks), Kiara & John B. Routledge, Kiara & Pope (Outer Banks), Kiara & Rafe Cameron
Comments: 7
Kudos: 102





	and what the hell were we?

i. rafe

it always felt like an honor to have kiara with them, she was so clearly slumming it but jj would never point it out to her. if she wanted to slum it let her, he was just happy that she chose them to slum it with. of all the pogue’s she could’ve taken sympathy on and gave her company to she chose them, and jj always thought of himself as unlucky but whenever she hung out with them he felt like the luckiest bastard in the world. when they first became friends he always tried to keep his cool, not show his excitement by her presence too much, try to come off nonchalant as he asked john b “is kie coming too?”. he never tried to show his emotions too much in general, not the serious ones at least, any displays of his feelings with reserved for his rage or his fun.

he never was the type to have crushes but he couldn’t deny the one he had on kiara from the moment he met her. they all did, teenagers from the wrong side of the street getting attention from a pretty girl with a good family, how could they not? when she first started hanging out with them he remembered how they’d all fawn over her, subtly fight for her attention, pope and john b being sweet as can be while he teased and flirted and did everything he could to make her laugh. they never took him seriously with it, neither did she, thinking all he wanted was to take her to bed and move on. i mean, come on, _jj wasn’t the dating type._ he knew that was what they were thinking, what _she_ was thinking. he couldn’t blame them for that, he chose to be that way. he liked it that way anyway, they could be the vulnerable ones, it was safer for him that way in the long run. he can’t get hurt if he doesn’t open up, doesn’t let them in past that surface level guise he puts on for everyone, _the fun guy, the loose cannon_. they’re his best friends and they know him better than anyone else, but they still don’t know him that well.

part of him always knew she’d leave them eventually, realize how much better she was than all of them, realize they weren’t good enough for her. so she did, leaving them for kook academy like they always expected, off to be the good little rich girl she was always meant to be. she said it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t change anything, she’d still be their friend. the minute school started he knew that wouldn’t be true, and he was right. slowly she distanced herself, falling into the world of the kooks and out from slumming it. he knew it would happen, always tried to protect himself from it, and yet it still stung when she was gone. he tried not to show it, distract john b and pope and get drunk on the weekends and let them laugh at him as he crashed and burned while drunkenly flirting with girls. she was always destined for more than them, for greater than them. he was destined for nothing.

that wasn’t the part that hurt the most, no it was when word spread that she had started dating _rafe cameron_. if there was someone that personified the kooks the best it was the cameron family, and if there was one person that personified all the bad of being a kook it was rafe. jj hated him, hated everything he stood for, hated the way kie was now dating the antithesis of him. he knew he was never good enough for her but she could do so much better than rafe. guys like him always got what they wanted though, always got the perfect girls that were too good for anyone in the outer banks or the figure eight. jj knew he never stood a chance but to lose her to a guy like rafe was a different kind of pain, a reminder that guys like him never stood a chance.

jj never showed his jealousy outright to his friends, his rage overwhelming and his words all contradicting. _“she can do so much better than a guy like rafe. he’s a total fucking asshole, he’s just gonna hurt her.”_ and only minutes later switching to _“whatever, fuck that. she can do whatever she wants. hope she’s happy.”_ it was always swallowed by a swig of his beer and pope and john b looking at each other, knowing they’d have to cut him off soon and knowing he’d put up a fight.

they just thought he was a protective friend with a little crush, angry and jealous to have lost her and most importantly to rafe cameron. they’d never know how deep his feelings ran, the way his heart sank when the rumor got to them, the way it became all too real that she’d never go for a guy like him. the part that scared him the most was he realized just how much he liked her, despite his attempts at protecting himself his heart had always been on his sleeve when it came to her. he was a fool for her, and he could never be as hardened as he wanted to be.

he tried to brush it off, go on with his life as he did before, flirt and kiss random girls carelessly and sleepover at john b’s every night. he didn’t even think his friends noticed something was off, noticed how much this was bothering him. how could they when he always acted like this much of a mess? it was better that way, it was always better that way in his mind. never let anyone in too much, always keep them with a little distance to never get hurt. usually it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

a few months later she comes back to them, sadder than before and asking if they’d let her back in. she was filled with apologies, and they’d all heard the rumors. her and rafe were done, sarah pushed her away, rumors that she was a narc. they let her back into the group with open arms, like nothing had changed, like she hadn’t ditched them for almost a full year. 

jj did too, he couldn’t hold any of that against her, he couldn’t let her stay hurting. his heart may be bleeding but nothing she could do could ever make him hate her, make him push her away. it was kie, it was kiara, he should just be honored she came back and gave them a second chance.

ii. john b

once kie was back in the group she was back for good. jj could tell she was going to stick by them this time, and even if he wasn’t fully sure she said it enough. she had developed a disdain for the kooks almost on the same level they had. despite her money she was a pogue through and through now. she was one of them.

if they all weren’t close before they got closer rapidly, the four of them becoming a family to him. they were the closest thing to a good family he had, and they didn’t even realize that.

having kie back in his life things went back to normal, except it was only heightened. she was with them on all their journeys, the ridiculous adventures they’d go on and places they’d go to get drunk and smoke. she was with them when john b’s father went missing and they all felt lost for him. it really showed how good of a person kiara was, how much she cared for them all, how loyal she was to them now. especially to john b.

john b had been his best friend since the third grade, and he knew he was suffering but he couldn’t help the pang of jealousy he felt watching kiara constantly dote on him. the two had grown extremely close amongst the tragedy, leaving jj to watch on the sidelines as their relationship grew. john b needed kiara right now, jj was glad he had her, but he couldn’t help but wish he was the one she was holding and consoling every night. 

it ached watching her right in front of his eyes giving john b that attention he so desperately craved, so desperately needed, starved for a gentle touch or hug that he never had before. he yearned for it so badly, especially from her, the best person he probably knew, so close to him yet always just out of reach. he didn’t think he could fall for her more but he did, his heart becoming more hers in those little moments. taking her out on the boat and watching as she sang along to her favorite song, dancing with her intentionally bad just to get her to laugh, when it got late and she’d rest her hand in the water letting the reflection of the moon ripple from her touch. it was everything about her that made him love her, and everything about him that would never make him good enough. 

when things died down after the disappearance of john b’s father and things started to go back to normal he even tried with her. the four of them had been hanging out all day, drinking beer and smoking the shitty weed jj was able to afford, when they decided to switch from john b’s house to the beach. kie brought it up, saying she wanted to see the sunset, and none of them could ever say no to her. they all sat in a row on the sand, jj at the end by kiara’s side, listening to her ramble on about the importance of the sunset and how we’re killing our oceans. he knew he should be looking at the sunset, the sky turning orange and darkening as it further descended, but his eyes kept flittering back to her. the way the sun shone on her face and the wind gently blew her hair back, he didn’t know much about art but he thought she looked like a piece of it, iridescent in the sunlight. his heart skipped a beat just looking at her and for the first time in his life he was at a loss for words, and it felt like it was now or never because he just couldn’t contain himself in that moment. 

he looked over at john b, desperate to get his attention, grabbing the nearest pebble from the sand and throwing it at the back of his head, quickly putting his finger to his lips to signal for him to be quiet once he got his attention. with complicated hand gestures between him and kie and pointing for john b and pope to go away he finally took the hint, grabbing pope and saying the two were going on a walk but they should stay there.

jj was always bold, confident, fearless to a fault. he acted out in the real world to make up for how he had to act at home, walking on eggshells, scared to make any wrong move. he was almost like that now, scared to make his move, opening his mouth to speak but not being able to find the right words.

“isn’t it just beautiful?” she pointed out, the sun half out of their view and hidden behind the ocean line, the orange sky turning darker and almost red.

“yeah, yeah it is.” he mumbled in agreement, forcing himself to finally say _something_ before his chance was done. “kie, can i ask you something?”

she turned to him, that same look of understanding and concern she always had on her face for one of them, the wind pushing her hair and covering half of her face as it did so.

“would you wanna go out with me sometime? like on an actual date? i know the rules no pogue on pogue but it could be fun. i have some money saved up i can take you out to eat or we can just go surfing or,” he rambled on trying to sell himself until she cut him off, and just from the look in her eyes he knew what she was going to say.

“jj, that’s really sweet of you but like you said we have the rules. i just wouldn’t want to mess up our friendship, any of ours, you guys are way too important to me.” she pushed her hair out of her face with a sympathetic look, but jj expected this answer anyway. 

looking down at his feet buried in the sand he nodded his head, trying to conceal the hurt on his face. “yeah, i get it. it was a stupid idea anyway.”

she turned her head back to look at the ocean, the sun fully set now, leaving them both in the darkness. 

he really gave up after that, he always knew it would come to this but at least he could say he tried anyway, at least he wouldn’t be left wondering if there was a chance had he not asked.

and it was after that that he really realized maybe she had feelings for john b after all, that he was the exception for the rule. it would make sense, john b was the exception to everything. they came from the same place, born of the same cloth but john b was always better than him. he was the hero of their story, he was the one with the chance to go places. jj would always be stuck here, living pay check by pay check, no future past what everyone here expected of him. kie deserved better than that, he had accepted that now.

still, he just wanted her to be happy, even if that was with his best friend. better him than anyone else, better him than another guy like rafe. he’d treat her right, he’d treat her the way she deserves. it was better to have kie in his life and so close even if she wasn’t with him, even if she was with his best friend instead. so he pushed for it, pushed for john b to make a move and ask her out. maybe that would help him move on too.

usually no one took his advice, it was never very sound anyway, never very logical, but john b did this time. he kissed her. he kissed her and got rejected on the same basis jj did. he couldn’t help but find comfort in that, be a little smug knowing john b wasn’t fully better than him in everything, knowing it really was the rules and not just _him_ that made her reject him.

still, she wasn’t his, but he was still hers.

iii. pope

everything had changed so suddenly, what was supposed to be another mindless summer of them having fun had taken a harsh turn, a dark cloud loomed over them and death seemed to follow close behind. everything was pure and utter chaos, but kiara was his sanctuary amongst it.

defending her at midsummers and holding her as she ran into his arms, spinning her around and the echoes of her defending him staying in his mind all night until he fell asleep, pretending it all meant more than it did to find some happiness to fall asleep to. 

then he was in her arms, making himself small as he collapsed himself into her, finally getting that gentle touch and warm comfort he had yearned for from her for so long. finally getting a feeling a safety, of care and compassion even as his body ached and was tattered with bruises. she managed to make it better for moment, managed to make him feel like things just might be okay.

they weren’t, they wouldn’t be, because soon after everything went to shit. if their lives weren’t pure chaos before they were fully in it now, running from the cops and potentially losing john b forever. it was like they had the entire world on their shoulders, and they were far too young for it.

at least they had each other, they were a family, they were _his_ family. john b and sarah had to leave, it was for the best, but jj would always have kiara and pope until they could come back.

then kiara and pope had each other. they had each other in the way jj had no one. they had each other in the way jj had wanted to be with kiara for years. so maybe it wasn’t the rules that got in the way, maybe it was just him that she didn’t want.

he had to look away, he couldn’t even stand to see it, his heart throbbing in pain at the sight. it was better this way, he tried to tell himself, it was better neither of his friends were alone in this. it was better for them all, it was better for her. it was just like if she got with john b instead, someone he knew who deserved her.

except jj was now realizing he wouldn’t have been able to stomach that either. he wouldn’t be able to stomach seeing her with anyone else, not when he loved her so much, not when she was all he could think about. she was everything to him, she was the sun and the stars and the moon and he was just icarus, flying too close to what he could never have and drowning in the ocean as her sunlight reflected on it. he was just a boy with broken wings and she was a girl destined for the stars. there was never a chance for them.

pope was good. he was stable. he was smart. he had a future, a chance to be a great man, the kind that kiara deserved. jj would have to stand by them, watch from a distance as the girl he loves became further out of reach, giving a fake smile and all his love and support when they were around. he couldn’t ruin this for them, not when pope was his best friend and probably deserved her the most out of all of them, not when kiara seemed happy.

it was just them three now, and really it was just them two with him added on. it was better than nothing, better than being alone, better than never seeing her smile again even though now when he did it was always directed at someone else.

they were just friends, even though that sounded wrong in his mouth, that they were nothing more. how could they not be, with everything they’d been through, with everything they’d had? still, that wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t change what they were, even if that’s all he wanted.

jj had grown used to loving kiara from a distance, so much so it began to feel like home.


End file.
